When our old faithful vacuum met it's demise last week, we were struggling to find something that was affordable and still able to keep up with our chaotic toddler, whos main purpose in life is to throw every piece of food onto the floor while still making direct eye contact with you.

After much research, we stumbled across a humble review by Camcamcam, who seems to have been touched by the grace of god, given the gift to describe such an accurate portrayal of this comrade of a vacuum.

Somehow the engineers at Bissel were able to harness the power of an F5 tornado within their patented "Helix" cleaning system.

As soon as we plugged this brute of a machine in, the lights gave a flicker, knowing what power was to surge the moment we turned this blue demon on.

Never have we seen such fear in our child's face, as the sound of this vacuum rattled the walls, and we heard years of deep dirt and grime being uplifted from under our feet.

We haven't been on an airplane since before the pandemic, but with the first roar of the Bissel, it was like we were taxing the tarmac once again, the purr of the jet engines came to life. And our cat lost at least five lives and we haven't seen since.

Cannot recommend this vacuum enough!

Let me first preface this review by saying that I am very much not a 'write a review' kinda guy but I felt compelled to write this both as a homage to this vacuums glorious and terrifying power but also as a community notice for those who don't understand what we're dealing with here.

When my wife first brought home this hulking Cold War era Soviet behemoth of a vacuum I was aghast at the size of this leviathan. Were you looking for something cordless? Nope not this. Hell, were looking for a button that sucks up the cord? Nah, don't get that either. Want to get to hard to reach places? Nah, not gonna happen. Fancy a range of speeds to adjust to your needs. Yeah, Nah. What will happen however is that your very idea of what was possible from a vacuum will be irreversibly changed.

After plugging this snarling Bengal tiger of a vacuum in and tentatively turning it on, it was immediately apparent that Bissels' patented 'Helix' cleaning system had somehow tapped into an alternate energy source far beyond our tiny human comprehension. As my carpets ecstatically relinquished every last speck of dust and grime that had clung to it for decades, the spiralling vortex of the "helix' system stepped up another gear. It was glorious, awe inspiring and scary. My only complaint would be that as it bent spacetime it's greater gravitational density tended to make the large appliances in the house get sucked towards it.

On a personal note, I had no idea that my mental health had suffered so badly from limply pushing around the same bits of dust and grime for months with my old 'vacuum'. The Bissel Helix vacuum has not only given me my carpets back, it has given me a renewed sense of hope for the future.

Good for people with pets too.